I personally believe that every wife needs to hear this message. Not because we need to feel bad, or powerless, but because we should be aware that what we do and say to our men really affects them. It affects our relationships with them. I want to talk to the women who aren't "getting what [they] want" from their partners. Sometimes the hardest part about getting what we want is making the changes we need to personally, so our hearts can receive. I truly believe that all too often we, as women, have convinced ourselves that we aren't worth the love another has to offer. In our fear that this is true we have built a wall around our hearts, that does indeed protect us, but it also prevents us from seeing the love that is there.
Worthless Men and Women Who Make Them was posted less than a week before I was going to marry Phillip. I'd be lying if I said it didn't hit a nerve. I had sort of an internal panic attack. It was like, all at once I could see everything I had done wrong in my previous marriage. After taking a
"Watch how often you roll your eyes at him because he didn’t do something exactly the way you would have done it.Honestly as easy as it is for me to see now, I was completely blind to it before. I was so stuck on what so-and-so was not doing right. I was so worried that all anyone ever saw was my mistakes and my insufficiencies. I was so wrapped up in my insecurity and my nothingness that I did not know that what I did had any affect on him. I felt like I was in a battle to prove to the world, and my (ex)husband, and his family, and our friends, that I was worth something. It was an ugly cycle. The more worthless I felt, the more I had to prove I knew, what I was talking about, what I was doing, or that my feelings meant something too. I don't know who started the cycle in that marriage, but we were in it full tilt. Quite frankly, it didn't, nor does it, really matter. We had bigger problems which could be a topic for another post. The problem was, this cycle only made matters worse. My fear was that I would be forever blind and I could do it again. I don't ever want to be in that cycle again, its not a great place. So I kept learning...
Watch how often he shuts off, groans, or says something snide back to you.
You see, men react to all of these things much differently than women do. We hide behind tough-guy acts. We move on as if whatever was just said had no effect on us. We pretend that we’re above caring. We often laugh it off.
But we do internalize it. And we hate it."
"Be kind. Damn it. Be kind. I’m not saying be passive or turn yourself into a doormat. I’m saying that you should be sincere and sweet to your man. You should be tender and careful. You should value his feelings as much as you value your own."This is what I try to remember, usually when I least feel like being kind, because I realize that's when it is most essential to my relationship with Phillip. You see, I have learned from experience, if I get ugly when I'm hurt or angry, nothing good comes of it. NOTHING. It doesn't matter how on point I am, or how justified my feelings are, if I can't express them without doing so with a soft heart and with a willingness to change where I need to, we can't move forward in our relationship. Then we're in a cycle, the bad kind. This has seriously been one of the hardest things. I am a passionate, emotional, sensitive, honest and loud person. Apparently these attributes combined with hurt and anger can be quite harsh and unproductive. I would never under any circumstance claim to have mastered this, it's a work in progress. Being human can be so frustrating. Wanna know what else I remind myself? Here ya' go...
"Women, do yourselves a favor. Please. For the next month, tell your husbands or fiancées or boyfriends or whoever that they are everything you want them to be. Not only will they start to rise to the occasion, but you will begin to see that what they currently are and what they currently offer, is quite often pretty damn good"Don't just do it for a month, though. Keep doing it. Whenever he makes it hard, love him more. Phillip has made it hard sometimes, very hard. But I love him, we are committed to each other. When all seems lost, I tell him that I love him, no matter what. I remind him that he is strong and amazing. I might tell him a couple of things I love about him, or just one silly thing. Whenever I need more from him I try and look at what he does for me, and the kids. If I do, and I have, tell him what needs fixing I do it when things are peaceful. I'm not saying I don't have emotional melt-downs, or personal crisis, or bitchy moments, I totally do. However, I have noticed, that if those moments aren't about him and what he does or doesn't do, he's right there holding me, encouraging me, and loving me. If those moments are about my vulnerabilites, he gives me exactly what I need. The moment that I turn it into his fault, or his short comings, his defenses come up and it is harder for him to give me what I need, and harder for me to receive what he has to offer. This goes both ways, when he's grumpy, or short-tempered, or frustrated, I've learned that those moments aren't about me, it's because he's had a hard day, or he's dealing with something, he has feelings too. When I give him the love he needs, and I remind him that he is stuck with me (this always makes him smile), he feels loved, he feels capable, he feels stronger. That is an amazing cycle, a beautiful cycle.
If you want to take it to the next level, I have another secret. This is my favorite thing to do lately. It stems from my need to laugh, a lot. I love laughing and I especially love making people laugh, and I really especially love making Phillip laugh. I realized a while back that we weren't laughing enough, which made me sad. My initial reaction was to get all hurt, and be like "why don't you ever laugh at me, why don't you think I'm funny?". Luckily, for both of us I snapped right out of it and started scheming.
My plan was to make him laugh everyday for a week. Not just like a teehee-you-are-sort-of-amusing laugh. No, I wanted an all out belly laugh, and even better if either of us snorts, that always makes us laugh harder. Oh yes, the game was on and my husband was none the wiser. There were a couple of days it was easy. I think that just being more aware of our laughing together showed me that it wasn't as rare as I felt it was. Other days had been rough, and heavy with serious emotion. Those were the days that I was most determined to make him laugh. I looked at it as a one shot deal. There is nothing more annoying than someone who is always looking for a laugh, so I had to choose my moment carefully. One night we were sitting in bed, watching something on tv, it had been a particularly long and stressful day for both of us. We were eating gummy worms and I decided to eat the body and stick what was left of the head, to my forehead. I didn't make it obvious, more like a game of how many can I make stick before he notices. After I had three, I started chuckling to myself. I looked like a complete idiot, and I was cracking myself up- bad form. He finally turned to see what was going on over on my side of the bed and first looked at me like I was as crazy as I felt, and then busted up laughing to the point of snorting. Success! It was in that moment that I realized that all the feel goods in relationships don't always 'just happen'. If you need something you're not getting in your relationship, there doesn't always have to be a debate about who, what, when where and why. You can take the reigns. Since my week of laughter scheme, I've noticed that we laugh together more, partly because I'm aware of it, and partly because I work for it (and get this...) partly because he tries now too. Not once did I nag him about it, I didn't scream or cry about it, never made him feel guilt about it either. I simply made it a priority. When we laughed together, I told him how much it meant to me. I appreciated every second of it. Making a change that way is an awesome feeling!
So, what do you want to change in your relationship? What are you willing to do for it?
Quoted material is all from Single Dad Laughing over at www.danoah.com
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