It didn't take long but I found myself again. I was on the right track. I knew that I had to wake up and start taking control over my life. I also knew I had to face every decision I made, right or wrong. It was a scary place to be after living for years in a fog and going along with what I thought I was supposed to do. I had to make those decisions. Start listening to myself, to that being inside (The Holy Ghost, Spirit, Conscience, whatever you believe it to be). Live by my moral compass and not anyone else's. It's amazing to me what finding that power within myself has done for me. I had to crawl out of my hole and live for the day that I had been blessed with. I needed to be alive and present for my kids. I had to realize that everyone has a right to happiness and hadn't done anything to be excluded from this privilege.
Scary, indeed. In order to live again I had to let down all of the walls that I spent building around myself. The ones that protected my heart from ache, and my ego from bruising. Every time there was a fear, there was a new wall. I spent years building those walls because of pain, and disappointment, I just didn't want to feel anymore. I got exactly what I wished for, and more. Not only did I not feel pain and disappointment, I pretty much didn't feel anything at all. A deep, dark empty hole of depression that I couldn't fill up for anything. The worst part was, all of that pain didn't go away because of the walls. Instead it sat there and waited patiently for me to take them down. So not only did I distance myself from the happiness, I saved the pain for later.
I'm in such a different place now. I can't believe what a difference a year makes. I just hope that if you look at me now you don't see the same person inside. I hope the damage, I have learned from, wasn't permanent. I love life, the good the bad, the pain and happiness.
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